Question
I'm 14. I'm about 15 to 20 pounds heavier than my normal weight. I realize that I eat more than I need to. I have tried so many diets that I have lost count of them. My mother tries to help me but I can never make it through two days without eating something that I don't need. I lie to her and tell her that I'm following the diet and promise myself to start over the next day and I fail each and every time!!! I have read about Anorexia and Bulimia and I don't have either of these symptoms but I confess that I do love to eat. That's my problem! I just overeat. The worst thing is that I realize it while eating and feel guilty during and after the binge. But I can't even stop myself. I am ashamed of my body and I don't know what to do. I know that girls do gain weight and their bodies take shape in their teens but I have a feeling that I have an eating disorder or something. Could someone give me some advice please.
Answer
Bulimia and Anorexia are only two types of eating disorders. There are also disorders that cause people to overeat and/or to eat when they are not physically hungry. One name for this is Binge Eating Disorder. Dieting only contributes to disordered eating problems. It is not an answer to the problems. The answer is to begin to label and get support for your feelings. Monitoring your food only gives you something to feel bad about and rebel from.
We all have a part of us that knows what we need to eat. It's fine to love food. It's only when we get help with our emotional hungers (the need to cry, express anger, receive comfort, etc.) that we feel satisfied with the appropriate amount of food. When we eat for emotional hunger, we never feel full because food cannot do the job of satisfying emotional hunger.
Question
After I eat anything, I feel really fat and have to exercise a lot to feel comfortable again. If its a carrot, or a piece of cake, I always feel that I am way too fat. Please help me!
Answer
Actually, fat is not a feeling. Therefore, when we keep telling ourselves we "feel fat," we are mislabeling what we really feel. Often when we think we are feeling fat, what we are really feeling is insecure, afraid, anxious or upset. Restricting our food intake will not help with these emotions. That's why people become anorexic: they keep eating less and less, thinking it will help, but the above feelings never go away. So, rather than focusing on your food intake, we recommend that every time you find yourself focusing on your body, ask yourself what you are really feeling at that time. Then write about or get help with those feelings. You deserve to eat and to have a life that is about something other than your weight and your food.
Question
Help! I have a 13 year old daughter who thinks she is overweight at 90 lbs!!!!! How do I find a chart which says YOU ARE NORMAL - DON'T WORRY!!!
Answer
The chances of a "chart" setting her straight are pretty slim, although you can certainly try. You might find one at a doctor's office or perhaps you can get her a check up and let the doctor tell her she is underweight.
My guess is that this is less about intellectual knowledge and more about peer and cultural pressure as well as her inability to deal with her emotions. A few good books you may want to read are: "Your Dieting Daughter" by Carolyn Costin, "Like Mother, Like Daughter" by Debra Waterhouse and "Is Your Child Dying to be Thin?" by Laura Goodman. These books will help you understand more about eating disorders and what it takes for a person to recover.
Question
I need help! All my life I have been thin but just recently (within the past year) I have gained almost 45 pounds. When I get home from school I end up snacking non-stop and the food I eat isn't healthy. I'm gaining fast and cannot stop the urge to keep stuffing food into my mouth. After I feel like I am going to explode and then my mom comes in and says, "You can eat a little more can't you? I made this plate of cookies just for you." I don't want to be rude so I start stuffing them all down my throat. Sometimes I gain 2 pounds in a day. My mom and I constantly go out to eat but the only places we go are those mouth-watering buffets and I just can't stop myself once I sit down. My mom keeps bringing over plate after plate of the most fattening foods so I don't even get the exercise to walk from tray to tray.
My girlfriend is even worse even though I pretty much only see her at school. The only time I eat around her is at lunch. Not only does she make me eat my whole lunch but she normally gives me more than half of her lunch too. Then she goes up for extra cookies and asks me in the tone of voice that makes me under her command to share them with her.
Answer
Recovering from a food and weight problem has many components. In addition to the willingness to feel your own emotions (rather than stuff them down with food), you need to create a tolerance for other people to have their feelings as well. In other words, it's perfectly fine to respectfully decline somebody's offer for food if you do not want it. They may feel hurt, mad, or disappointed, but they will get over it. (Anyone who has a problem with you declining food, has just as much of a food problem as you do!)
It's too easy to blame your eating problem on others. No one can "make" you do anything. It sounds like you need to find your power and practice telling your truth in a loving, respectful way. You are blaming the women in your life for your inability to say, "No, thank-you." This is essential in all healthy and mature relationships.
To heal from your eating problems you need to learn to use your voice, rather than eat down your words. You may need help in learning to speak up. A counselor can help you with this, but here are some suggestions:
"Thank you, but no thanks, I'm actually not hungry right now."
"I am really trying to listen to my body and stop overeating, so I prefer not to eat any such-and-such right now "
"I need you to stop commenting about my weight. It bothers me."
"I really need to look at the way that I have been using food in my life and I am going to be saying NO more than I used to. I hope you won't be offended."
Question
I consider myself to be a recovering bulimic, but sometimes, I don't know if I really am getting better. I'll have a few good months, when I'm totally good about exercising and eating right, but whenever I get stressed out over school, work, etc., I just want to binge. Lately, I've become extremely depressed over my weight again. I've managed to not step on the scale for a while now, but I peeked today and I'm 123 lbs. I know that's not bad for someone who's 5' 7", but I have not weighed that much in a long time. When I exercise, I can't get rid of my "diet mentality." Whether I'm running, exercising to aerobics tapes, or walking my dog, I can't help thinking about how many calories I'm burning. I think I overdo it. I'll do aerobics for 40 minutes, run for 30 minutes, then walk my dog for about 45 minutes, and I try to do this everyday. When I don't, I feel guilty, and tend to overeat. I am always swinging between two extremes-- either, I'm totally "good" or totally "bad." I haven't thrown up in a month, but I feel very unhappy with myself right now.
Answer
You have fallen into the common trap of thinking that eating less and exercising more is "good," while eating more and exercising less is "bad." In fact, they are both flip sides of the same problematic coin, called an eating disorder. Listening to your body's needs and rhythms is the goal here. Instead, you are listening to the crazy made-up rules of an eating disorder.
A Live-It (as opposed to a diet), has nothing to do with "good and bad." Instead, you focus on your physical and emotional needs, your thinking and the amount of support you have in your life. You learn how to eat what your body really wants and you learn to feed yourself lovingly and sanely. This is a process that takes help, time and compassion.
Compulsive exercise is a sign that you are not listening to your body and are likely to eventually injure yourself as a result. It looks like you have a goal of exercising 2 hrs a day. This is entirely unrealistic and unnecessary. That 2 hrs. would be better spent reading about eating disorders, writing about your feelings and developing enjoyable hobbies and interests.
The fact that you have not thrown up in a month is very significant here. When we stop our self-destructive behaviors, the feelings they were covering up start to emerge. That means we are going to feel worse, rather than better, at first. It is essential that we get help with these feelings or we are sure to return to the old destructive behaviors.
Question
I am almost fifteen, and I have already had many problems keeping my weight down. I am 5'9", and when I was 5'6" in 6th grade, I weighed 160. Now, in my freshman year, I lost a lot of weight, but I was curious as to what the proper weight for we would be. I'm 5'9", I would say a medium-large build. To give you an idea of how I am built, I wear a size 11 shoe. Please respond.
Answer
People ask me this question all the time. Unfortunately, I cannot give you a clear answer, or a single number. Every body is different and everybody's weight fluctuates. Weight is effected by bone structure, genetics, age, health, metabolism, seasons, and more!. When you address the emotions underneath your food and weight issues, your weight will become what nature intended it to be. Somewhere along the way, we as a culture, decided we could and should control our weight. In fact, a person's natural weight is as naturally determined as is height, race and eye color and shoe size! We do not need to control our weight any more than we can control these other features. If we are eating too much or too little, we must learn better skills for coping with the feelings that are causing us to turn to food. Otherwise it's best to let our weight be what it is. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to make peace with whatever weight that is! I recommend you focus less on the scale and more on how you feel and treat yourself.
Question
Hi. I'm 16. I'm bulimic. I've suffered from Anorexia and Bulimia for the past four years. I'm also a guy. Didn't expect that one, did ya?? :-) My question is, I'm really bad when it comes to bingeing. I know that I can stop purging, if I stop bingeing. My question is, how do I avoid a binge. I know when they're coming on, but I can't help it. I just end up going balls out and eating whatever is in sight, you know? And if I'm like in my car or something, I go where there is food. It's like I don't even have control over where I am and what I eat, you know? Maybe I'm babbling and not making sense. But I just want anyone's successful attempts to stop bingeing. They would greatly be appreciated.
Answer
First of all, I work with many males who are suffering from eating disorders. Secondly, you are not babbling at all. Your letter makes perfect sense, and you are raising a very important and common question. In order to stop an addictive behavior you need to replace it with something that will address the emotions you were stuffing down with the addiction. This could be attending a support group. It could be actually calling someone before a binge. Or you could begin individual counseling. You could also attend Overeaters Anonymous meetings, where you will meet people with similar problems and find out what works for them. You might even have someone in your life who you could reach out to, letting them know that you are struggling with bulimia. It is important that, somewhere, you find someone who can listen to you and be loving and non-judgemental while you figure out what feelings have triggered your desire to binge. Journaling can be helpful as well, but in early recovery it is important that you find people who can help you sort out your feelings and make sane decisions about your eating.
Question
I have always had a weight issue...My parents always gave the line "finish everything on your plate there are kids starving in other countries" and other types of guilt-trip pressures. I have had a lot of mental abuse as far as my weight goes. My dad thought that was the way to get me to stop eating, when it only enticed me to do exactly the opposite. I am 34 years old now, I just celebrated my 16th wedding anniversary. My husband is great and supportive. We have three teenage children. I delivered all three by c-section and gained an unbelievable amount of weight. At my heaviest, I weighed in at 196 pounds. Through education and help I now am down to between 165 to 170 pounds. I have held this weight for a long time and I wish to weigh 150 pounds. I don't know if this is realistic. I have very little motivation to exercise, I am disabled. I have visual problems and I have a prosthetic aid for my ankle. The aid limits the movement of my ankle in such a way that sometimes I have trouble even walking. I do try to follow a dietary plan, but situations dictate differently at times. I try to follow all the good advice the doctor and everyone else has given but I can't seem to lose the weight or maintain it once I've gotten there. I am frustrated and I could use some help.
Answer
It sounds like you are unable to accept your body and the problems it has. You probably have a lot of sadness about your disabilities and may need to spend some time grieving about your limitations. Trying to lose weight probably serves as a way to avoid your grief.
The best advice I can give you is to learn to accept yourself. Realize that all bodies are different and unique. Think about the good things your body does and has done, such as the fact that you created 3 wonderful children with it. If you could work on trying to accept and love and appreciate your body, you will have time leftover for more important things, such as creative endeavors, and deeper relationships with people.
It is important you learn to listen to your body and do what feels right to it. This means determining what and how much to eat by what your body tells you, rather than what doctors or anyone else tells you. It means exercising only in ways and amounts that feel good to your body.
When you do this, you will obtain your natural weight. This is the weight that nature intended you to be. It is a weight that you do not have to struggle to maintain. This weight comes naturally when you take care of yourself in the ways your body needs you to.
Question
In the past week I have not eaten a lot at all. Then today I went to school and I had the worst pain around my stomach area. It hurt so bad, I could barely walk. Every time I moved it hurt. Then I ate a cookie and a pretzel and it took awhile but it felt better. I don't understand why it hurt. It never has like that before. I got real dizzy too and everything was spinning. What was it from?
Answer
Lack of nutrition! Our bodies are incredible at letting us know what they need. The problem is usually our unwillingness to listen. Your body needs regular, varied nutrition on a daily basis. When you fail to do this you will experience pain. Our bodies need food to run, like a car needs gas to run. By depriving yourself of food, you are injuring your body.
Question
I have a very bad image of my body! I HATE it! I am 5'4" and I weigh about 220lbs! I hate food, but I feel like I have to eat all the time! When I eat I feel bad, I want to throw up and I have but not as much as I would like because I am afraid people might hear me. I work 11 hours a day and I manage to eat a ton of food. Then I hate myself. I am a newlywed and I want to tell my husband, but I end up saying I am having a bad day and I am tired. Then I go to bed. I never want to have sex! And the thought of getting pregnant scares me because you gain all this weight and will I ever be able to get it off? Then I will hate myself even more! I hate to say this but I have such bad days I think of ways to just fall asleep and not wake up, but then I realize I need help and it is a selfish thing to do. It seems like every year I am gaining 10lbs or more! I do not want to gain weight! I want help but I am embarrassed! Any suggestions?
Answer
So many people are filled with shame and embarrassment about having an eating disorder. They think they are "bad" or "defective" and that if they just had some willpower, they would stop eating. This is not true. Having an eating disorder is like having a disease. You need professional help. If you had cancer, would you blame yourself? Or would you be mad and sad but still seek out the proper treatment? One way that an eating disorder is like a disease is that it's not in your control. Also, it has common symptoms from person to person. Additionally, it gets worse over time if it goes untreated. You have the right to have a myriad of emotions about this but the facts remain that it is serious and it is not your fault.
A better reason than "gaining weight" to avoid getting pregnant would be that you need to first learn how to take care of yourself before you can take on the responsibility of caring for someone else.
Question
Well for the past few months I when I look in the mirror I think, "hey I am not that bad," if I am happy. If I am in a bad mood I will say, "I am so fat" and I get mad at myself. But everything has been going really good in my life for once and I am happier than ever but when I look in the mirror now I am fat. I know I am. It seems to me like the weight is coming on and I can not stop it. Everything seems to look bigger on me, like my legs and arms and face and I hate it so much. I just want to be skinny. I mean I never really noticed how fat I was until yesterday when I looked in the mirror and actually saw it. I guess I finally opened my eyes. I am not sure what to do. I don't eat that much. I eat a little only cause....well I am not sure why I even eat a little?? But well I am starting to think that I am getting so fat cause I am eating that little bit. Should I stop eating that so I can lose all this weight? I am 15/f, I am 5'4 and I weight about 128.
Answer
Your problem is a lot less about your food and your weight than it is about your thinking and your feelings. You even said yourself that when you're in a "good mood," you don't think you look "that bad." When you are having difficult emotions that's when you start to obsess on your body. This means that you can use your body hatred as a signal that you are having feelings that need some attention. Whenever you start obsessing on your body, ask yourself, "What is really going on today?" See if you can identify any fear, insecurity, or anger about other things in your life. We often feel these feelings even when, outwardly, things seem to be going well.
It's also important to know that not eating enough is as much a part of an eating disorder as eating too much. When deprived, our bodies cling to what little we give them. When we starve ourselves we become preoccupied with food and weight. This leaves little room for living life.
If you cannot shift your focus from your weight to your life and your emotions, your next step would be to receive professional help, preferably from a counselor who specializes in body image problems.
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